Even though it may feel like life is a disappointment at times, He is at work. I was thinking, this morning, that I need to quit waiting for things to get better, and accept that this may just be the blessing God intended for me.
All my life I've been assaulted physically and emotionally.... and had far too many broken hearts...  but maybe my life as it is now, is my blessing. I don't have to look far to see others whose situations stink far worse than mine. I know there are many, many who would give anything to have my life just as it is now. Or yours....

10 years..

It's been 10 years since my last post...

The more things change the more they remain the same!
I actually have nothing to say at the moment, just checking to see if this blog would still be active!!
If so, I'll be back!

Closing the Door

Through my life I have seen the hand of God do some amazing things in my life.  An opportunity, a nudge in another direction, etc. usually following fervent prayer.

I had thought that was what was happening when I left my husband after a life-changing incident. 

The grief from my divorce and all the connected losses was crippling. Even after 5 years I still cry when the subject comes up. I have wondered all along if I had indeed made a mistake by leaving. If it actually wasn't God's will but my own self-will run riot.

I have prayed and prayed over this and asked Him what His will really is, and  (as I have so many times in my life) said, "God you know I'm rather hard-headed so you may need to knock me upside the head for me to know what You want from me". As usual, He pretty much did. He removed an option.

Ex-dh has decided to let his deceased dad's widow come live with him.  I never got along well with her.  She's 85 and though her family is in Montana and Nevada and I guess she would rather move to Oregon with my ex-dh.   The "BANG" I hear is the sound of a slamming door. Time to get my hand out of the door and move onward, looking forward and Upward.

Isn't He amazing?

Parenting and Letting Go

This is something I've realized.

When our kids are little, we are responsible for teaching them pretty much everything. "Don't slurp your milk" "Wear this shirt with those pants" "Clean your room" "If you spill your milk, get a paper towel and clean it up" Sometimes we feel so ultra-responsible it is hard to take off that hat. When they go to someone's house without us, we hope they behave themselves, and if we hear that they were problematic at all, we feel like we've failed in some way, we feel we should have taught them better how to be a good guest, etc.

The problem is, as they become older, and then adults, we inadvertently still have that underlying feeling of responsibility, and continue to do what we THINK is teaching, but at some point we have to learn that we are no longer responsible, that it doesn't reflect on us as parents, that our kids have to make their own choices and now it is on them, not us.

It's a difficult transition sometimes. I have a double whammy, in nursing school we are taught that part of our role as a nurse is to teach.

So, I had to teach at work, teach at home, teach more because I was a single parent and there was no one to share that responsibility with.
Now add that to my feeling growing up that if something was wrong it was always my fault, ...... it is a REALLY hard task to take off that hat.

I still catch myself being concerned about if my youngest daughter is keeping her area clean; getting along with her peers and roommates; brushing her teeth; showering enough..... I have to keep reminding myself it is no longer my responsibility, in fact, . . it . is . none . of . my . business!!!! Egads, that's a hard pill to swallow!
I keep worrying that there are things I failed to teach well enough and that I should still try to teach her!

As adult children ourselves, we must realize that our parents sometimes still have that feeling too, and perhaps we can even teach our parents that it's time to let go....

Grief

One day at the ocean I was standing in the water looking at some people on the beach, when suddenly a giant wave hit me from behind, knocking me down and causing me to tumble in the force of the water... I couldn't breathe, I didn't know which way was up... for a moment I feared I would die. 

Grief comes in waves, sometimes crashing upon us and upsetting our balance.... sometimes with such force we feel like we'll die from it, but often it laps softly at the shoreline, causing very little damage, if any. 

Blessings for you on your journey; take care of you.

The pursuit of happiness

Trying to make everyone happy?   

I think the key lies in the word "make". Just as we are responsible for our own happiness, so is everybody else. We can be kind to others, helpful where we can, as loving as possible... but in the end we can not 'make' them happy. Sometimes, though, I think if we discover the happiness within ourselves it is reflected back at them. Then they may begin to find it for themselves.

I find comfort in knowing that many, many wiser, more enlightened folks than I have sought to understand the meaning of happiness.  If you Google "find happiness" there are gazillions of quotes on the topic:

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves,  and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
--Agnes Repplier

Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. --Abraham Lincoln

Happiness does not depend on outward things, but on the way we see them.
— Count Leo Tolstoy

I think I began learning long ago that those who are happiest are those who do the most for others.— Booker T. Washington

Happiness is not in our circumstance but in ourselves. It is not something we see, like a rainbow, or feel, like the heat of a fire. Happiness is something we are. --John B. Sheerin

If someone bases his happiness or unhappiness on major events like a great new job, huge amounts of money, a flawlessly happy marriage or a trip to Paris, that person isn't going to be happy much of the time. If, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness. –Andy Rooney

Did I shave my (whatever) for this?

My first blog. Hmm....... okay, here we go!  Surprisingly divorced at 52,  I am reeling from all the changes!  Part of me never wants to love and have my heart break again...  part of me says, "you're strong and MUST carry on... just put one foot in front of the other.

First I held on to the emotional bonds of my 2 daughters.  They resisted.  I then realize I was so focused on my life w/my husband (he was the 'love of my life') I let every other relationship fall to a lower priority level.  One of the casualties is a woman, my "best friend" of 25 years decides she no longer wants to be so.

My parents are deceased.

So here I am, faced with the task of completely "starting over". 

I bought a house at a real estate auction. Near my oldest daughter.  It turned out to be a MAJOR fixer, and here I am, single, alone, medically retired, fixed income, trying to fix a house. I have very few carpenter skills, but I watch HGTV occasionally!  Having been a single parent for many years, (prior to this last marriage), I have some stubborn "I am Woman, Hear me Roar",  skills.  

Unfortunately I've never mastered the skill of dealing with a total and complete heartbreak....

I have this attitude, "Walk a Mile in My Shoes"....... if you can live the life I've lived for over a half a century and do better  than I have..... by all means, take over -- you're welcome to it.

I should probably shut up for now........  if you've read this and have any interest in reading more, please let me know.   Thank you kindly.  :-)